It's fun. We have fun.
Ugh, I know this is anticlimactic, but this is what I watched today so whatever. I'm not even gonna play: this reboot is trash on like every level. This movie is so bad that Rooney Mara, in her starring role as Nancy, looks are though she would rather shit on a crowded street while getting a root canal than be paid to act in it. This movie is perfect for anyone who ever saw the original Wes Craven classic and was like, ok, but I'd like it to be 50% more boring with 75% more child molestation.
So, anyway, the attractive 30 year old teens of Springwood are dying attractively in their dreams and eventually one of them is like, well, I'd like to not die so let's talk about it. All the students look like and are shot like as though they're in a bad CW series that lasts two weeks because even 12 year olds have standards. The survivors describe a burned man in a red and green sweater with knives on his fingers, and lol, we all understand that to be Freddy Kruger, as played by national treasure Robert England, but no, this Freddy is played by Jackie Earle Haley, a gifted actor known for playing serial killers, child molesters and Bad News Bears. Also, like 140 lbs. Also, like maybe 5'5". Also? Not scary.
So, anyway, the attractive 30 year old teens of Springwood are dying attractively in their dreams and eventually one of them is like, well, I'd like to not die so let's talk about it. All the students look like and are shot like as though they're in a bad CW series that lasts two weeks because even 12 year olds have standards. The survivors describe a burned man in a red and green sweater with knives on his fingers, and lol, we all understand that to be Freddy Kruger, as played by national treasure Robert England, but no, this Freddy is played by Jackie Earle Haley, a gifted actor known for playing serial killers, child molesters and Bad News Bears. Also, like 140 lbs. Also, like maybe 5'5". Also? Not scary.
The reboot tries to fuck with a lot of classic NOES scenes like Freddy coming through a wall and Freddy pulling Nancy under water during a bath and they all look terrible, with terrible CGI. Let's call it CRAPtical effects. After 3 deaths, finally, the parents of the remaining kids are like, oh, hey....this might something to do with that guy at your preschool who messed with you and who we eventually burned alive, now, who wants Snickerdoodles? Two of the parents of the Elm Street kids are played by Clancy Brown and Connie Britton, two working actors who...work regularly. So, it's like...did they lose a bet, or? Owe someone money, or?
So, yeah, this Freddy was a gardener at the preschool and everyone loved him, he was silly and wacky and spent way over an appropriate time limit with the children, all while wearing a remarkable toupee that I'm assuming didn't even fool the 3 year olds. The parents eventually go all vigilante on him, and chase him to a huge abandoned warehouse with I guess one entrance and exit and set the place on fire. And so he dies but he stays mad because he was young and still had a lot of kids to traumatize. The kids, after learning the story have for some reason convinced themselves that they lied to their parents about Kruger molesting them, and as they go off in search of the truth at the abandoned daycare, etc, with Kruger pursuing them through micro-naps, minutes long brain recharging while the napper doesn't know they're napping, it's all way more boring that you could ever imagine.
So, yeah, this Freddy was a gardener at the preschool and everyone loved him, he was silly and wacky and spent way over an appropriate time limit with the children, all while wearing a remarkable toupee that I'm assuming didn't even fool the 3 year olds. The parents eventually go all vigilante on him, and chase him to a huge abandoned warehouse with I guess one entrance and exit and set the place on fire. And so he dies but he stays mad because he was young and still had a lot of kids to traumatize. The kids, after learning the story have for some reason convinced themselves that they lied to their parents about Kruger molesting them, and as they go off in search of the truth at the abandoned daycare, etc, with Kruger pursuing them through micro-naps, minutes long brain recharging while the napper doesn't know they're napping, it's all way more boring that you could ever imagine.
So, like, the two remaining kids, Nancy and some guy named Kyle who looks like a puffer fish that enjoys Panic! At the Disco, go to the old preschool and break in and it's like an old Blockbuster Video with like nine million copies of Oh Heavenly Dog still there, but not as cool. They find the underground sex dungeon where Freddy brought them and the rest of the victims. It's super gross. There are Polaroids. By the end of this you're like, mother fucker, burn his ass again. It turns out that Freddy is not stalking the kids as punishment to their parents for killing him, but because he's mad *that the kids told on him.*
So, Nance and The emo blowfish decide to do a real smart plan in which he keeps watch as she goes to sleep and pulls Freddy out so he can be killed in the flesh, which is just....ok, sound's stupid but you do you, kids. But then they both fall asleep, lol. Also, ugh, this Freddy is like 900% more sexual than he needs to be. The Robert England one wasn't perfect, whatever. He made dumb ass puns about the popular culture of the day, like "where's the beef?" or "I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs," or whatever, but he didn't rub on Nancy and talk about how hot she was as a child. There's a scene in which Nancy is splayed on her bed, unable to move, wearing a replica of the dress Freddy loved her in as a child. I don't even have a joke for that, I'm just so uncomfortable rn.
So, Nance and The emo blowfish decide to do a real smart plan in which he keeps watch as she goes to sleep and pulls Freddy out so he can be killed in the flesh, which is just....ok, sound's stupid but you do you, kids. But then they both fall asleep, lol. Also, ugh, this Freddy is like 900% more sexual than he needs to be. The Robert England one wasn't perfect, whatever. He made dumb ass puns about the popular culture of the day, like "where's the beef?" or "I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs," or whatever, but he didn't rub on Nancy and talk about how hot she was as a child. There's a scene in which Nancy is splayed on her bed, unable to move, wearing a replica of the dress Freddy loved her in as a child. I don't even have a joke for that, I'm just so uncomfortable rn.
So, Nancy manages to pull Kruger's perverted ass out of the dream and she and Kyle still struggle to kill him, a tiny man. Once dead, Nancy sets fire to the daycare. No body is found, though, shocker. And then you think it's over but when Nancy and her mom return home, Freddy appears in the mirror behind Mom and sticks his knife fingers through her eyes as Nancy screams. I mean, ok. At least it's a fucking ending.
Watching this 90 min movie felt like 90 hours, and rn I basically don't give af about Halloween, I just want to sit in the shower with a glass of wine. Oh, but candy. OK, Halloween is back on again, Happy Halloween!
Watching this 90 min movie felt like 90 hours, and rn I basically don't give af about Halloween, I just want to sit in the shower with a glass of wine. Oh, but candy. OK, Halloween is back on again, Happy Halloween!
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