I'll see you tomorrow, Uncle Stevie.
As I've stated before, because I'm boring af an repeat myself constantly, Creepshow is one of the only nice memories I have of my dad: as a kid, my sister and I were allowed to rent one movie every weekend from Captain Video on Market and Castro in San Francisco, and for about a year my choice was Creepshow. And before you ask why not just buy the stupid movie, keep in mind this was the go-go 80's and VHS movies for some reason went for hundreds of dollars. Literally hundreds. I saved my babysitting money to put a *down payment* on the VHS of Pumpkinhead, ffs, and I'm surprised I didn't need a co-signer and a pint of blood to get out of there. Anyway, my dad watched Creepshow with me every weekend, sometimes twice, and that was fairly cool, but, tbh, I feel like seeing Tom Adkins as a shitty dad (to a young Joe Hill!!!) in the bumpers to the five tales of terror in the movie might have kept him honest for at least 90 mins.
He's a real dick in this but pls don't let it sour you to his other fine roles in The Fog and Halloween 3: The Season of the Witch. Or, whatever, I'm not your mom.
So, beloved character actor Tom Adkins plays a dad yealling at his kid for reading a comic called Creepshow (can we acknowledge that this was meta before Dave Eggers created meta?) and Then the kid accuses his dad of looking at porn and gets slapped and sent to his room. Here we see him conjuring a skeleton wrapped in a pashmina and rubbing his hands together in delight. Ha-ha! Just a regular Sunday morning! And we segue into the first vignette, Father's Day.
Back from the dead for pastries- relatable af.
On Father's Day, a rich ass family sit the hell around drinking and being really passive aggressive- again, nailed it, Creepshow. Years before, an evil rich fuck named Nathan Graham was killed by his spinster daughter on Father's Day, and not only do the rest of his family acknowledge this, they have an annual ham feast to celebrate it, which is cold blooded in only the way rich white people can be, real talk. The rest of the family is made up of Graham's granddaughter, Sylvia, his great grandchildren Richard and Cass, and Cass's hot ass husband, Hank, played by a young Ed Harris, who has hair and tight jeans and does a *remarkable* dance to a fake 70's sounding song where the only lyrics are DON'T LET GO again and again.
DON'T HATE, APPRECIATE.
But then his mother in law, who obviously can't appreciate fine art, yells at them to stop. As they wait, Graham's murderous daughter, Bedeila, pulls up at the cemetery (which btw is right across the street, and if you buy a house right across the street from the cemetery, you will 100 percent be killed by zombies, wtf.) and goes to hang out at her father's grave with a bottle of wine, which is a hot thing to do, I'm sorry. Too bad my old man was cremated and shot into the sun or the ocean or whatnot. After, she yells at him for a while and then he drags ass out of the grave as a zombie, wanting to know where is his Father's Day Cake. First of all, parental fucking abuse from beyond the dead, no. Second, since when are we making cakes for dad's on Father's Day? That is arbitrary as shit. All I ever gave my dad was a Far Side gallery or fifty bucks, in which case he would give me the gift of five minutes of silence while he counted it.
The Zombie Nathan chokes Bedelia out and then goes off in search of more sweet, sweet blood. Luckily for him, the rest of his family have never seen a horror film and they keep wandering off alone looking for Bedelia so they can finally eat that goddamn ham.
The Zombie Nathan chokes Bedelia out and then goes off in search of more sweet, sweet blood. Luckily for him, the rest of his family have never seen a horror film and they keep wandering off alone looking for Bedelia so they can finally eat that goddamn ham.
Eventually, after Ed Harris, granddaughter Sylvia and the poor housekeeper who didn't even do shit get killed and sister and brother unpleasantness team Cass and Richard go looking for everyone to see what is the ham hold-up and Nathan busts the hell in with Sylvia's head on a platter covered in frosting and candles and he says, "IT'S FATHER'S DAY AND I GOT MY CAKE! HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!"
Ok, first of all, thanks for the nice greeting? I mean, who tf was he talking to? Himself? And look, why is the cake Sylvia's head and not the head of Bedelia, who offed him in the first place? Also LOL where did he get frosting? Did his ass stand there waiting for ppl to show up while whipping up a nice buttercream? Lastly, candles, why? No, why? Again, there is no such thing as a father's day cake, and if there were, it would not have candles. That's just.....look, realism is very important to me. I need a minute. And a drink. Or two.
Ok, first of all, thanks for the nice greeting? I mean, who tf was he talking to? Himself? And look, why is the cake Sylvia's head and not the head of Bedelia, who offed him in the first place? Also LOL where did he get frosting? Did his ass stand there waiting for ppl to show up while whipping up a nice buttercream? Lastly, candles, why? No, why? Again, there is no such thing as a father's day cake, and if there were, it would not have candles. That's just.....look, realism is very important to me. I need a minute. And a drink. Or two.
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