I'll tell you a secret that you don't even want to know: my feet are pretty gross. Well, they WERE pretty gross; now, they're super awesome. Now, they're as good as they were in high school. The heels are smooth with nary a crack; the soles are pink; the nails are painted and cut straight across. Why? What is the reason for this transformation? My Pedi Perfect.
Ok, but before....I actually wish I had done a before and after, because that's how bad they were. This was a shit winter in New England, and nothing suffered worse than my feet- yes, without hyperbole. I know ppl lost their homes and lives, but, sweet Jesus, my feet. They hurt constantly. They had cracks in the heels so bad and deep you could fit the edge of a coin in like halfway. And not a dime or a penny, mind you, like a quarter. My cracks split and left bloody chicken tracks everywhere I went. And, like, that pad right under your pinkie toe? When I walked on tile or linoleum I sounded like that raptor chasing those poor kids through the kitchen in Jurassic Park. And I'd heard ppl going on and on about the Pedi Perfect, but, look, I was skeptical. Remember that piece of shit Pedi Egg, that was basically a cheese grater for feet and then you had to empty all the dead foot flakes out on your carpet? I was a victim of that thing- where's my parade? Also, not for nothing, my cheap ass actually bought the Pedi Egg brokedown version of the Pedi Perfect because it's like twenty bucks less-- big mistake. No, no. There is no comparison. Break down and spend the forty bucks. If you get it at B.J.s like I did, you get three extra rollers. Also it comes with batteries (I SEE YOU, PEDI EGG; Hell is hot.) so it's ready to go and you don't have to run around pulling shit out of your stepson's XBox controller or your own, ahem, personal massager.
So, it's like this: Clean your dirty feet (I hope, a given), turn the silver ring in the middle of the Pedi Perfect and gently guide the spinning roller over your nast tootsies. Carefully- don't try to be a hero- let the roller do the work, and be mindful of how your feet are feeling at any given time. I'm assuming that your session won't take as long as my first one, in which it took me like a half hour to strike living tissue, did. Apply a nice thick lotion (I use the corresponding Amope Pedi Perfect lotion, because I can be sold any product, at any price), slip on some socks, get into bed and call it a night. Then, the next day, get up and paint them toes, Martha, 'cause it's time to buy some flip-flops at CVS and get you a fancy drink. I like Rekha by Zoya. As the polish, I mean, not to drink. That shit would kill ya.
Ok, but before....I actually wish I had done a before and after, because that's how bad they were. This was a shit winter in New England, and nothing suffered worse than my feet- yes, without hyperbole. I know ppl lost their homes and lives, but, sweet Jesus, my feet. They hurt constantly. They had cracks in the heels so bad and deep you could fit the edge of a coin in like halfway. And not a dime or a penny, mind you, like a quarter. My cracks split and left bloody chicken tracks everywhere I went. And, like, that pad right under your pinkie toe? When I walked on tile or linoleum I sounded like that raptor chasing those poor kids through the kitchen in Jurassic Park. And I'd heard ppl going on and on about the Pedi Perfect, but, look, I was skeptical. Remember that piece of shit Pedi Egg, that was basically a cheese grater for feet and then you had to empty all the dead foot flakes out on your carpet? I was a victim of that thing- where's my parade? Also, not for nothing, my cheap ass actually bought the Pedi Egg brokedown version of the Pedi Perfect because it's like twenty bucks less-- big mistake. No, no. There is no comparison. Break down and spend the forty bucks. If you get it at B.J.s like I did, you get three extra rollers. Also it comes with batteries (I SEE YOU, PEDI EGG; Hell is hot.) so it's ready to go and you don't have to run around pulling shit out of your stepson's XBox controller or your own, ahem, personal massager.
So, it's like this: Clean your dirty feet (I hope, a given), turn the silver ring in the middle of the Pedi Perfect and gently guide the spinning roller over your nast tootsies. Carefully- don't try to be a hero- let the roller do the work, and be mindful of how your feet are feeling at any given time. I'm assuming that your session won't take as long as my first one, in which it took me like a half hour to strike living tissue, did. Apply a nice thick lotion (I use the corresponding Amope Pedi Perfect lotion, because I can be sold any product, at any price), slip on some socks, get into bed and call it a night. Then, the next day, get up and paint them toes, Martha, 'cause it's time to buy some flip-flops at CVS and get you a fancy drink. I like Rekha by Zoya. As the polish, I mean, not to drink. That shit would kill ya.
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