Bob, you got a little uhhhhh...no the other side...nvm
Look, we all hate watching the Oscars ceremony. No, I'm a lie, I have a great friend named Helen who *loves* that shit, and stays up all hours of the night watching pre and post award show specials, and knows the designer everyone is wearing, and scrutinizes the nominees with the same vigor someone might examine the Dead Sea Scrolls. But aside from Helen, we all hate watching them. They are more boring than the most boring-est thing-- more boring than waiting for your mom to stop talking about bunions to a random friend she spotted in the cereal aisle at Safeway, worse than a dentist appoint because at least the pain you might experience during a dentist appointment would allow you to feel SOMETHING. Now, like most of you, I spend 4pm to 11pm in a magical mystery haze of alcohol and despair, and even my fat ass can't get it up to sit through the Oscars, and keep in mind I recently was riveted by a Lifetime movie called Amish Abduction. The Oscars are impossible to relate to and unfunny and LOOOOOOOONG and there's a whole section where they make you remember dead ppl, as though any of us could forget Robert Urich, the only important person who ever died. And, holy shit, what a big popularity contest, just constantly kissing the asses of whomever is a big deal during whatever year, and just showering praise on some obscure movie I've never heard of because I'm ignorant and don't usually see movies made after The Thing starring Kurt Russell, unless the theater has a bar.
Aside from all that, the academy, who are, to the best of my knowledge, six 90 year white old men locked in a room at Motel 6 fighting over who gets the last cantaloupe, is notoriously hesitant to nod in the direction of popular movies that make hella money. And that goes triple for horror movies. Robert England as Freddy Kruger ate a demon pizza where the pepperonis where the tiny heads of tortured souls-- were you not ENTERTAINED? And what about Toni Collette in Hereditary as a bereaved woman going slowly mad as she mourns the death of her estranged mother and then scampers across the ceiling to murder her own son, no love for that? And pls don't get me started on Dan O'Herlihy as Coral Cochran, the sinister Irish mask-maker who torments Tom Atkins with robots and Stonehenge in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. The fact that his "Halloween" speech didn't make all actors in all corners of the world pack their shit and just become carnies in 1982 is heresy and nothing but! But, no, the Academy steers safely toward the big moment "I never learned to read!" movies that deal with illness and disability portrayed by actors who are neither ill nor disabled, and shit about Queen Elizabeth and alcoholic fathers. And, like, until my kids write a screenplay about their alcoholic mother, I'm so over that. And even then, it's just because I want to borrow money from them.
So, you might ask, after asking me to please stop rifling through your garbage after chili night, what would it take to make the Oscars not boring and actually maybe briefly exciting and cool? Well, I'm glad you asked, but first of all is this chili garbage for everyone or just family? Ok, my bad. So, anyways, Bill Skarsgard needs to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Pennywise the Dancing Clown in It Chapter 2.
Aside from all that, the academy, who are, to the best of my knowledge, six 90 year white old men locked in a room at Motel 6 fighting over who gets the last cantaloupe, is notoriously hesitant to nod in the direction of popular movies that make hella money. And that goes triple for horror movies. Robert England as Freddy Kruger ate a demon pizza where the pepperonis where the tiny heads of tortured souls-- were you not ENTERTAINED? And what about Toni Collette in Hereditary as a bereaved woman going slowly mad as she mourns the death of her estranged mother and then scampers across the ceiling to murder her own son, no love for that? And pls don't get me started on Dan O'Herlihy as Coral Cochran, the sinister Irish mask-maker who torments Tom Atkins with robots and Stonehenge in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. The fact that his "Halloween" speech didn't make all actors in all corners of the world pack their shit and just become carnies in 1982 is heresy and nothing but! But, no, the Academy steers safely toward the big moment "I never learned to read!" movies that deal with illness and disability portrayed by actors who are neither ill nor disabled, and shit about Queen Elizabeth and alcoholic fathers. And, like, until my kids write a screenplay about their alcoholic mother, I'm so over that. And even then, it's just because I want to borrow money from them.
So, you might ask, after asking me to please stop rifling through your garbage after chili night, what would it take to make the Oscars not boring and actually maybe briefly exciting and cool? Well, I'm glad you asked, but first of all is this chili garbage for everyone or just family? Ok, my bad. So, anyways, Bill Skarsgard needs to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Pennywise the Dancing Clown in It Chapter 2.
That's Bill on the right, duh. On the left is a picture of some evil clown, a lot like the one you used to date. ooh burn.
Some background: Skarsgrad is the best looking member of a large family or, if you will, cult, of roughly 7000 beautiful sons bred carefully for their valuable resource of hotness. The father of this family is several centuries old and is very likely some kind of self-impregnating Minotaur created by Zeus to spread the message of being attractive. Every seven years he wakes from a deep slumber to give birth to a new son, who then immediately appears on the cover of the holiday issue of Esquire featuring new fiction by Jonathon Franzen. He also played Professor Gerald Lambeau in Good Will Hunting.
So, instead of simply collecting comical bags of money with big dollar signs on them for being handsome, Bill Skarsgard shook a fist and bellowed, "NAY!" to the mighty Zeus and his Minotaur dad and decided to take the role as the evil clown Pennywise in It chapters 1 and 2, directed by Andy Muschietti, which entails a lot of running around terrifying children and drooling, two things that are v hard to pull off when you are that good looking, believe me, I know. (I also want to state for the record that Bill and the rest of his good looking family have a lil doohickey over the last 'A' in their surname but I can't do it because I'm a million. You're fucking lucky I'm not trying to type this shit on a Light Brite tied to a fax machine.)
So, instead of simply collecting comical bags of money with big dollar signs on them for being handsome, Bill Skarsgard shook a fist and bellowed, "NAY!" to the mighty Zeus and his Minotaur dad and decided to take the role as the evil clown Pennywise in It chapters 1 and 2, directed by Andy Muschietti, which entails a lot of running around terrifying children and drooling, two things that are v hard to pull off when you are that good looking, believe me, I know. (I also want to state for the record that Bill and the rest of his good looking family have a lil doohickey over the last 'A' in their surname but I can't do it because I'm a million. You're fucking lucky I'm not trying to type this shit on a Light Brite tied to a fax machine.)
"any of you kids have a leave-in conditioner?"
It, based on the massive (even by Stephen King standards) 1986 novel by Stephen King about 7 plucky kids who take on an age-old child killing evil in their small town, was first imagined for the screen as a 1990 TV movie starring Tim Curry as Pennywise. And he was great, don't get me wrong. Iconic. All the superlatives used to describe Tim Curry in every performance he's ever played times one hundred. But was he scary? I mean, no. The outfit and hair was pretty awful, I guess, but his voice sounded a lot like Krusty the Clown's and, at one point, he kisses the late John Ritter full on the lips and both of those things are pretty delightful. The effects and makeup are goofy and tame by today's standards (c'mon 1990's ABC, nice of you to break a five on those monster teeth), and the cast, while stellar in TV movie terms with Annette O'Toole and that guy who played John Boy on the Walton's, is kind of hit and miss, although just add Alan Thicke and you've got the winning team on an episode of Battle of the Network Stars in 1986, Sonny. (No, I'm not trying to alienate fans of, like, Olivia Hussey or Tim Reid, who was a SAINT, so pls save your hate mail to me for when you find out how much I hated the movie Rudy.)
Which is not to say that the It movies are perfect because they aren't-- they turned hero Stuttering Bill's wife into a real asshole and that whole thing with librarian/historian Mike and the Indigenous ppl is a M E S S-- but they are also really cool and well directed and a lot of fun, and most of what makes Bill Skarsgard's Pennywise so scary (and neat!) is not CGI or even practical effects, but the fact that he's able to contort himself into this hellish nightmare vision using only his face and eyes and body. Like, here he is terrifying Bill Hader with that thing he does where he makes his eyes wall-eyed like the eyes of a Boston Terrier begging for the last snausage.
Which is not to say that the It movies are perfect because they aren't-- they turned hero Stuttering Bill's wife into a real asshole and that whole thing with librarian/historian Mike and the Indigenous ppl is a M E S S-- but they are also really cool and well directed and a lot of fun, and most of what makes Bill Skarsgard's Pennywise so scary (and neat!) is not CGI or even practical effects, but the fact that he's able to contort himself into this hellish nightmare vision using only his face and eyes and body. Like, here he is terrifying Bill Hader with that thing he does where he makes his eyes wall-eyed like the eyes of a Boston Terrier begging for the last snausage.
By all accounts, Skarsgard is a lovely, talented young man who is always funny and entertaining on chat shows, and has real acting chops-- for instance, early in his career he was nominated for the Swedish version of the Oscar, a huge honor known as something something insert IKEA joke here. He's mentioned numerous times that he prides acting as a craft over being a star, which is a nice change of pace from most Hollywood actors who want you to know when and for how long they sun their butt-holes everyday, etc. He tackles the role of Pennywise in Muschietti's film with a zillion little nuances: he is vulnerable and charming when attempting to snare a child, filled with mischievous malice as he taunts his prey with some deep-seated fear, and, in his inevitable swan song, we almost pity him, which is pretty good when you consider that he's portraying an ancient evil posing as a demented clown who eats worlds like they're groceries. Just standing there, with no particularly jarring music or lighting, his Pennywise is at once malevolent and alluring-- the audience is torn between curiosity and pants-pooping. His presence and commitment to the role leaves a lasting impression even when he's not on screen for an extended period of time-- much like Pennywise's hold over the fiction town of Derry, he's around even when he's not around.
"I'd like to thank the Academy..."
I did some research on the supporting actors nominated for a Golden Globe in motion pictures this year, and ofc by research I mean I clicked off of Cookie Jam for long enough to Google it, and I don't mean to be mean but What. A. Bore. I mean, look, Tom Hanks is a gem, no one is saying he isn't, and I'm sure he's super good as Mr. Rogers or Bob Ross or Sonic the Hedgehog or whomever else we idealize as a brief respite from our sad, cold lives, and Joe Pesci and Al Pacino are hugely talented and have like 190 awards between them. Seriously. They basically trade them for cigarettes at this point. And Anthony Hopkins is like a Giant Poodle at Westminster, by which I mean that bitch stays winning. And Brad Pitt, well, he was married to Angelina Jolie for a period of time, and that's better than any award. All princes among men, sure, why not. But it's whatever year this is and let's have something new; it's not pandering to recognize a fantastic performance in a hugely popular movie that people are actually excited about. How fantastic would it be to see Skarsgard proudly featured in the ranks where he belongs, as a real actor who did real acting in a horror film and left everything on the dance floor as a child-eating devil clown? I would watch that! I would *stay up* past TEN to see that. Or, like, Helen would fill me in, whatever.
So, take to the streets, friends! Trend on that one bird site, and post on whoszit-book and tag ppl on Instrapics or whatever it is you kids do, and demand a nomination for this talented young man! You can even do it while sitting on the toilet! Or, so I've heard. (just don't forget to wash your hands.)
So, take to the streets, friends! Trend on that one bird site, and post on whoszit-book and tag ppl on Instrapics or whatever it is you kids do, and demand a nomination for this talented young man! You can even do it while sitting on the toilet! Or, so I've heard. (just don't forget to wash your hands.)
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