So, I said, "You haven't even seen the movie yet."
He said, "but I just KNOW."
I said, probably wearing denim overall shorts with one strap undone over bicycle shorts and a bootleg Bart Simpson tee-shirt from the flea market and also a faux leather necklace that showcased the outline of the continent of Africa, "That movie is not gonna win shit."
Somehow, despite my cruelty and terrible fashion choices, I was correct. Not only did it not win shit, it also did not deserve to win shit.
Anyway, Henry goes to buy cigarettes and John Leguizamo shoots him. Maybe Henry had said something unkind about House of Buggin'? He pays the price by suffering serious brain damage and amnesia. He can't do anything, and receives physical therapy from Bradley (Bill Nunn, who was Radio Raheem in Do The Right Thing.) Bradley dances around the hospital with his Walkman(!) and most of his dialogue centers around his desire to have sex with every woman he comes in contact with- basically what I'm saying is that it's a really dignified role.
So, eventually, Rachel goes to boarding school because Shitty Henry From The Past set it up and apparently everyone is just still going along with it because reasons. Henry makes up a lie that he can remember his first day of school and that he was scared, too, but it worked out, and makes a nervous Rachel feels better. OK, keep in mind that Henry doesn't know what a bra is, but he can concoct elaborate lies to emotionally support his child. Oh, my God, why doesn't John Leguizamo shoot US ALL in the head, right? I mean, just as a parenting tool.
Concurrently, Henry and Sarah are having a magical love affair, with deep fulfilling love making and hand holding and PDA in the park, until Henry, who I guess is like fucking Encyclopedia Brown all of the sudden with his goddamned snooping, finds evidence of an affair Sarah had when he was still an asshole. He confronts her, and she's like, "Dude, look, it was before you were shot with that enchanted good-guy bullet," but Henry gets mad and runs away, and in the process spies the RITZ hotel and is like, "Oh, haha, it was never about crackers, I was actually fucking a woman from work at this hotel." And then he goes back home like, oh, never mind.
The film ends with Wonderful Henry obtaining the evidence that his law firm lied in the case of the Wheelchair Lady and giving it to her like, "hey, sorry we ruined your life for a bunch of years, may I please use your bathroom?" There's zero consequence to this, also. The law firm doesn't sue his ass or anything, and no one mentions how Henry and his family will be able to remain in their post high-rise apartment now that all he can do is paint pictures of one kind of cracker. He and Sarah pick up Rachel at boarding school and the three of them go home as a big happy family. And, shockingly, no, no one received and Oscar for this powerhouse shit-storm of a movie, which was actually written, oh, my god, by a young J.J. Abrams. So, take that, delusional boy from acting class, whatever your name was. I'll bet you're feeling pretty foolish right about now, 24 years later. And then, haha, here's me with my hounds-tooth bike shorts and my Charles Barkley Nikes and my plastic glasses with a condom as one lens, being a winner!!