Mike Nichols' Regarding Henry came out in 1991, when I was a self-important acting student (as though there's any other kind) at San Francisco's School of the Arts, otherwise known as "The School That Brought you Margaret Cho And Nothing Else of Cultural Value." My horrible compadres and I were discussing upcoming movies during class one day, because what else would we be doing? Studying our craft? LOL. One particularly tiresome boy proclaimed that Regarding Henry would win Harrison Ford the Oscar. Now, this was no outside thinking on his part; many, many entertainment shows and magazines had said it first- but, as I say, I did not like his boy. He had no sense of personal space, and he smelled like relish and thought he was a really good actor. He was not. Neither was I, of course, but I was way more delusional.
So, I said, "You haven't even seen the movie yet."
He said, "but I just KNOW."
I said, probably wearing denim overall shorts with one strap undone over bicycle shorts and a bootleg Bart Simpson tee-shirt from the flea market and also a faux leather necklace that showcased the outline of the continent of Africa, "That movie is not gonna win shit."
Somehow, despite my cruelty and terrible fashion choices, I was correct. Not only did it not win shit, it also did not deserve to win shit.
So, I said, "You haven't even seen the movie yet."
He said, "but I just KNOW."
I said, probably wearing denim overall shorts with one strap undone over bicycle shorts and a bootleg Bart Simpson tee-shirt from the flea market and also a faux leather necklace that showcased the outline of the continent of Africa, "That movie is not gonna win shit."
Somehow, despite my cruelty and terrible fashion choices, I was correct. Not only did it not win shit, it also did not deserve to win shit.
"I'm a very bad man. Very good men don't do their hair like this."
In the movie, Harrison Ford plays Henry Turner, a real late-eighties, early-nineties kind of heartless lawyer asshole who lies in court about medical negligence in the case of a poor old lady in a wheel chair and wears his hair in a slicked-back Gordon Gecko meets Angry Otter sort of way. He's an A-1 shit to everyone he comes in contact with, from his secretary to his long suffering wife Sarah (Annette Bening) who has a really sad life of being pretty and rich. Henry and Sarah have a 12 year old daughter, Rachel (Mikki Allen), who he doesn't give two shits about. By this point, you might be wondering why such a terrible man might have such a great wife and kid who are both so kind and still so affected by his cruelty. And the answer to that is: NO REASON. I mean, did Henry used to be an awesome guy, or something? Was he skipping merrily though the fields one day picking wild flowers when he was kidnapped and brainwashed by an evil law firm?
Anyway, Henry goes to buy cigarettes and John Leguizamo shoots him. Maybe Henry had said something unkind about House of Buggin'? He pays the price by suffering serious brain damage and amnesia. He can't do anything, and receives physical therapy from Bradley (Bill Nunn, who was Radio Raheem in Do The Right Thing.) Bradley dances around the hospital with his Walkman(!) and most of his dialogue centers around his desire to have sex with every woman he comes in contact with- basically what I'm saying is that it's a really dignified role.
Anyway, Henry goes to buy cigarettes and John Leguizamo shoots him. Maybe Henry had said something unkind about House of Buggin'? He pays the price by suffering serious brain damage and amnesia. He can't do anything, and receives physical therapy from Bradley (Bill Nunn, who was Radio Raheem in Do The Right Thing.) Bradley dances around the hospital with his Walkman(!) and most of his dialogue centers around his desire to have sex with every woman he comes in contact with- basically what I'm saying is that it's a really dignified role.
"Thanks for helping me love dogs, nameless gunman."
So, when he's able, the first word that Henry says is "RITZ." (Ugh. More about that terrible payoff later.) Everyone thinks he's talking about crackers, and that becomes a thing. Henry, now a wonderful person because he has brain damage, learns to walk and talk and read and paint elaborate paintings of boxes of crackers. Anyway, he goes back home and now he's basically Jesus with more approachable hair. He's a great friend and husband and dad now, too. OH, I WAS SHOT, HERE'S A PUPPY. I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE LET'S EAT COOKIE DOUGH, I HAVE NO SIDE EFFECTS OTHER THAN BEING A WONDERFUL, INNOCENT MAN CHILD.
So, eventually, Rachel goes to boarding school because Shitty Henry From The Past set it up and apparently everyone is just still going along with it because reasons. Henry makes up a lie that he can remember his first day of school and that he was scared, too, but it worked out, and makes a nervous Rachel feels better. OK, keep in mind that Henry doesn't know what a bra is, but he can concoct elaborate lies to emotionally support his child. Oh, my God, why doesn't John Leguizamo shoot US ALL in the head, right? I mean, just as a parenting tool.
So, eventually, Rachel goes to boarding school because Shitty Henry From The Past set it up and apparently everyone is just still going along with it because reasons. Henry makes up a lie that he can remember his first day of school and that he was scared, too, but it worked out, and makes a nervous Rachel feels better. OK, keep in mind that Henry doesn't know what a bra is, but he can concoct elaborate lies to emotionally support his child. Oh, my God, why doesn't John Leguizamo shoot US ALL in the head, right? I mean, just as a parenting tool.
"Is this some kind of....toilet paper?"
Meanwhile, all the jerks at the law firm have let Henry keep his job, not as a lawyer, of course, but as a guy who goes around and looks at things and sits in at meetings asking questions about birds. Eventually, I guess, taking a break from the Etch a Sketch with which he must have been provided, Henry runs across the paperwork that proves that the hospital was negligent in THE CASE OF THE OLD WHEELCHAIR LADY, which, coincidentally, was the title of the most depressing Scooby Doo episode ever. So, Henry runs into a meeting all like, "OMG, GUYS, WE WERE WRONG LET'S GIVE THE OLD LADY ALL THE MONEY AND THEN TAKE HER OUT FOR A NICE MEAL MAYBE OLIVE GARDEN WHERE THEY HAVE NEVER-ENDING BREAD STICKS." And, everyone else is like, "Um, Henry....can you just sharpen these pencils, or....?" And he gets fired, in a scene where his old mentor with crazy eyebrows is like, "So, sorry, Henry, we thought you'd be way stupider than you are. Our mistake."
Concurrently, Henry and Sarah are having a magical love affair, with deep fulfilling love making and hand holding and PDA in the park, until Henry, who I guess is like fucking Encyclopedia Brown all of the sudden with his goddamned snooping, finds evidence of an affair Sarah had when he was still an asshole. He confronts her, and she's like, "Dude, look, it was before you were shot with that enchanted good-guy bullet," but Henry gets mad and runs away, and in the process spies the RITZ hotel and is like, "Oh, haha, it was never about crackers, I was actually fucking a woman from work at this hotel." And then he goes back home like, oh, never mind.
The film ends with Wonderful Henry obtaining the evidence that his law firm lied in the case of the Wheelchair Lady and giving it to her like, "hey, sorry we ruined your life for a bunch of years, may I please use your bathroom?" There's zero consequence to this, also. The law firm doesn't sue his ass or anything, and no one mentions how Henry and his family will be able to remain in their post high-rise apartment now that all he can do is paint pictures of one kind of cracker. He and Sarah pick up Rachel at boarding school and the three of them go home as a big happy family. And, shockingly, no, no one received and Oscar for this powerhouse shit-storm of a movie, which was actually written, oh, my god, by a young J.J. Abrams. So, take that, delusional boy from acting class, whatever your name was. I'll bet you're feeling pretty foolish right about now, 24 years later. And then, haha, here's me with my hounds-tooth bike shorts and my Charles Barkley Nikes and my plastic glasses with a condom as one lens, being a winner!!
Concurrently, Henry and Sarah are having a magical love affair, with deep fulfilling love making and hand holding and PDA in the park, until Henry, who I guess is like fucking Encyclopedia Brown all of the sudden with his goddamned snooping, finds evidence of an affair Sarah had when he was still an asshole. He confronts her, and she's like, "Dude, look, it was before you were shot with that enchanted good-guy bullet," but Henry gets mad and runs away, and in the process spies the RITZ hotel and is like, "Oh, haha, it was never about crackers, I was actually fucking a woman from work at this hotel." And then he goes back home like, oh, never mind.
The film ends with Wonderful Henry obtaining the evidence that his law firm lied in the case of the Wheelchair Lady and giving it to her like, "hey, sorry we ruined your life for a bunch of years, may I please use your bathroom?" There's zero consequence to this, also. The law firm doesn't sue his ass or anything, and no one mentions how Henry and his family will be able to remain in their post high-rise apartment now that all he can do is paint pictures of one kind of cracker. He and Sarah pick up Rachel at boarding school and the three of them go home as a big happy family. And, shockingly, no, no one received and Oscar for this powerhouse shit-storm of a movie, which was actually written, oh, my god, by a young J.J. Abrams. So, take that, delusional boy from acting class, whatever your name was. I'll bet you're feeling pretty foolish right about now, 24 years later. And then, haha, here's me with my hounds-tooth bike shorts and my Charles Barkley Nikes and my plastic glasses with a condom as one lens, being a winner!!
RSS Feed