R. Kelly released the unintentionally hilarious video for "U Saved Me" in 2004, during his first round of child pornography and statutory rape accusations, and many wondered whether or not the spiritual nature of the song might be Kelly pandering to his audience, or, at the very least, attempting to show that he was still a good guy. Honestly, I have no idea who, if anyone, was fooled by this, but I myself have wondered if Kelly's increasing lawyer bills might be the reason why the video looks like it cost about five bucks to produce. It takes place at one of his concerts, or something, and consists of him acting out various hard luck scenarios with the help of some, um, really modest props. I don't mean to be mean, but I've seen higher production budgets for people waiting to get on a bus.
0:10- Here we see Kelly sitting on stage in a wooden kitchen chair. No. What are you blind? With a simple moment of his arm he has transformed us into his story, a story of a man who is driving! The phone rings! He reaches for it! Wait, he was drunk! Look out for that truck, R. Kelly! Oh, now he's in the hospital, but still in that chair. Now he's the doctor, insisting that the drunk driver's wife pull the plug on her husband. Look at that yanking motion. Rumor has it R. Kelly actually enrolled in four years of medical school, majoring in ADVANCED CORD YANKING, to get that one, effortless movement down pat.
0:10- Here we see Kelly sitting on stage in a wooden kitchen chair. No. What are you blind? With a simple moment of his arm he has transformed us into his story, a story of a man who is driving! The phone rings! He reaches for it! Wait, he was drunk! Look out for that truck, R. Kelly! Oh, now he's in the hospital, but still in that chair. Now he's the doctor, insisting that the drunk driver's wife pull the plug on her husband. Look at that yanking motion. Rumor has it R. Kelly actually enrolled in four years of medical school, majoring in ADVANCED CORD YANKING, to get that one, effortless movement down pat.
1:23- Where on god's green earth did he find a ROTARY PHONE? The only answer, really, is Grandma's House. So, while R. Kelly was having his fun making his little video, poor Grandma couldn't take calls for at least 45 minutes. That ain't right. Oh, but, anyway, he's an unemployed guy now sitting in that same kitchen chair, waiting for a job opportunity. I guess a newspaper was too expensive? I mean, when I need a job, I tend to, you know, stand up, or something, but I realize that's probably a failing on my part. Why get up and try if you can just pick up the receiver on a phone that never rang and have a random lady say, "we're hiring?" And maybe he shouldn't get that excited until he finds out who's hiring? Maybe Kevin Smith's Ass Wiper needs an assistant, or something. You don't know.
2:08- And here we have R. Kelly, in a rare standing role, as a troubled member of America's Youth. We can tell he's playing a teenager because, not only does he don a baseball cap, he slides the bill ever so slightly to the side, you know, like the kids do. Oh, he was involved in a bad drug deal and was shot four times, all pantomimed with movements slightly more exaggerated than if he actually had been shot four times. No matter, though. He finishes the skit with a triumphant whirl, sending his baseball had, and apparent youth, flying.
3:05- OMG, the best. In the song, he's a sad-sack guy with cancer at the grocery store, and Kelly portrays this flawlessly by rolling a goddamn shopping cart across the stage. An actual shopping cart that someone had to steal and place on stage for him to use. So, anyway, if you're shopping at Thrifty Jr. and all of the sudden your several jugs of diet iced tea get too heavy and you wish you had a cart....you'll know who to blame. R. Kelly has to call his mother and taps out a phone number on his palm. So, the good news is he's moved up to a touch-tone. The bad news is that the phone is HIS FUCKING HAND NOW. Soon enough, Kelly is cancer-free and the doctor is demanding he "GO HOME" and shooing him out of the hospital as he might a wasp.....that's on fire.
3:44-5:26- Kelly, having run though his Gallagher-like prop trunk and now backed by a choir that seems suspiciously similar to what once was the audience, sings and pontificates and performs various other vocal acrobatics about being saved. Keep in mind, that's a lot of saving.
Look, believe it or don't, I don't have all the answers. I do have all the answers to The Simpsons trivia, unless we're talking about anything after season 10, but that's another story. Basically, what I want to say, is that what Kelly is saying doesn't seem like bullshit, it's just how he's saying it. And, the whole time I was just picturing Jesus at home, being like, "Oh, is he calling me on his hand again? Awesome." This video will go down in history as the only time I saw a thing on TV that was so wrong and so messed up that I wished that someone, ANYONE, had been there to share it with, just to be, like, OMG, THIS IS BULLSHIT. SO, thanks for that, I guess, R. Kelly. Thanks, for creating whatever the hell this was.
3:44-5:26- Kelly, having run though his Gallagher-like prop trunk and now backed by a choir that seems suspiciously similar to what once was the audience, sings and pontificates and performs various other vocal acrobatics about being saved. Keep in mind, that's a lot of saving.
Look, believe it or don't, I don't have all the answers. I do have all the answers to The Simpsons trivia, unless we're talking about anything after season 10, but that's another story. Basically, what I want to say, is that what Kelly is saying doesn't seem like bullshit, it's just how he's saying it. And, the whole time I was just picturing Jesus at home, being like, "Oh, is he calling me on his hand again? Awesome." This video will go down in history as the only time I saw a thing on TV that was so wrong and so messed up that I wished that someone, ANYONE, had been there to share it with, just to be, like, OMG, THIS IS BULLSHIT. SO, thanks for that, I guess, R. Kelly. Thanks, for creating whatever the hell this was.
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